There is so much I have yet to realize. At the age of 36, married for almost 10 years and having lost a parent recently, there is so much that just still boggles my mind. Every day I wake up and I try to balance my blessings with what confuses me about my life and while I start out doing alright, I always wind up sitting here at 1 am, contemplating everything, alone. I have so many unanswered questions. I have so many regrets. I have so many dreams that I have yet to fulfill. I think about the people I have lost and how I have to force myself to go on without them. I look at other people's lives (knowing full well you should NEVER do such a thing) and envy who they are, where they have been, what they have done and where they continue to go. And I feel as though I am stuck on STAGNANT. Like it's a setting on a washing machine. Just STAGNANT. I can't move forward, I can't move back. I can't even really enjoy the life I am living right now, because I question everything.
My best friend is a "go with the flow" type of person. I am literally JEALOUS of her. I wish I could be THAT person. But then, I wouldn't be Noreen. And in the end, shouldn't I be grateful for the unique individual I am? I struggled through this semester. I can't lie. I struggled with my digital storytelling class. I lost my friend to colon cancer the first week of class. Ever since then, my mind doesn't seem to stay on track. I figure he would have wanted me to succeed so I tried my best, but then realized, my best isn't even close to what it used to be. I consider myself in an early mid life crisis, but maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am just sad. Maybe I am scared to lose another loved one. Maybe I am in a place where I am not supposed to be and I don't know how to get out of it. Or maybe, just maybe, I deserve more out of this so called "circus of a life" and I am afraid to take that leap of faith.
What I do know though, is that I have my daughter. My beautiful, wide eyed, free spirited, kind hearted, over the top crazy 6 year old little girl who gives me every reason in the world to want to make my life and myself better. She is the reason I was put on this Earth and I realize I MUST live the best way I possibly can for her.
My sweet Megan turned 6 this past week. It feels like I just brought her home from the hospital. My sweet smelling little bundle of joy who depended on me for everything in life. I had become EVERYTHING to someone. And that little bundle of joy turned 6. Six years of my life has been filled with realizations that I am too blind to let myself see. From now on, I vowed to myself that I allow myself to see life through her innocent eyes. I will allow myself to realize that I DID accomplish something and I will continue to as long as I have her to keep me going. I realize my blog wasn't the most uplifting, but it represents ME...who NOREEN is at this point in time. And that's the best that I can do at the moment.
Looking at this video of my girl blowing out her candles on her birthday cake brings me to tears. She is mine. My reason for my realizations..and I promise her that I will always try my best to at least get to the end of each day, laying my head on my pillow, saying, "I did the best that I could today." Thanks for reading if you stuck with me.
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