Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
HOW IS IT THAT YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR 3 MONTHS?
An aching in my heart and soul that just doesn't go away....
So, tomorrow, June 12th 2012, it will be 3 months since my Dad has left this Earth. Leaving my heart, soul and entire family in a state of hurt, anger, depression and a general feeling of just being LOST..I realize that it has not gotten any easier. If anything, it has gotten that much harder. You would think that at 36 years of age, I wouldn't feel like a child anymore. Most times, I don't. I am an adult. I have my own family. I have my own set of responsibilities. I have a life that I need to run on my own. But when it came to saying goodbye to MY DADDY, I reverted back into that 5 year old who would beg my Dad to make me english muffin pizzas and teach me about horse racing.
My Dad was sick for over 15 years. Emphysema. One lung. All due to smoking. He struggled for years just to walk a few feet. He would tell me it felt as if he was drowning each and every day. But he held on. He had always been THE STRONGEST man I have ever known. He had always been MY HERO. So when I got the phone call that he was being admitted into the hospital this past March, I thought nothing of it. Ok, it's a setback. He'd get some oxygen treatments, some iv medication and he would be back at home with his cable tv, his coffee and his precious cat. But, that's not the way things worked out this time. One day he was in the ER demanding that I sign him out of the hospital (old time, Irish, retired NYPD detective = STUBBORN) and the next he was hooked up to machines and taking his last breaths. As we stood around him as the priest gave him his last rights I remember thinking, this isn't happening. Not to my Dad. There's no way this can be real. But it was real. He was dieing and there was NOTHING anyone could do about it. Even me, who had been his "little girl," his best friend in his later years, his first born. I stood there. Helpless and even though surrounded by my family, all alone. I tried to be brave. I talked to him for hours, held his hand, told him to let go. Now I had to convince MYSELF to let go. 3 months later, and I still haven't. I don't think I EVER will.
His death sent me into a tail spin. I had this overwhelming feeling over LIFE IS TOO SHORT! I started to analyze every aspect of my life and vow to make changes NOW instead of waiting for later. I cried for weeks. I couldn't stop. Until ANGER set in. And I don't mean feeling a little mad at certain points of the day. I mean an anger that I can't describe. And apparently this is where I have been stuck. In the anger stage of the grieving process. Just today on the radio, they were playing a commercial for Father's Day. I CURSED at the radio..and slammed it off. I realized that I was a little over the top afterwards..but I can't help it. The pain is nothing that I can describe. I try to find peace in the fact that he's not suffering anymore. My friend keeps saying the same line to me over and over. "He's in a better place now. He's in a better place than the rest of us." I get that. But is it THAT selfish of me to want him back here with us? If so, then so be it. It's how I feel...
3 months ago tomorrow my life changed forever. A piece of my heart and soul died with my Dad that day. A piece that I know I will never get back. I'd do anything to go back in time. Maybe cherish the little moments more. Tell him that I loved him more. Make sure he knew that he was the first man I had ever loved. My 5 year old daughter says, "Grum (that's what she calling him, short for Grumpy) can hear you Mommy. Just talk to him. He knows." How is it that my 5 year old can make sense of this and I can't?
Sometimes life is a circus, and sometimes it's complete pain. Right now, for me, it's a pain I wouldn't want to wish on anyone. But it's something that is making me who I am. It's a part of me now. I have to learn to live with it and move on..I know my Dad would have wanted that........
Monday, June 4, 2012
Why is it such a surprise that every day you have to tie your shoes? Dammit, Asperger's Syndrome!.
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME
AND HOW IT CONTROLS MY LIFE
So, in my very first blog post on here, I touched on the fact that my husband had Asperger's syndrome. For those who don't know what it is, it is a high functioning form of autism. While he hasn't been "officially" diagnosed with it, I have read and researched enough to know that this is the reason he is SO difficult and why so much of my life is controlled by his idiosyncrasies. Ok, for all us women out there we can say that all of our husband's suffer from being odd, annoying and down right confusing sometimes but my husband takes it a bit further. Don't get me wrong, he holds a job and works very hard for his family but that's as far as it goes. If he is focused on his job, then he loses focus at home. So me, being the infamous stay at home mother, needs to take care of every other task in life. And we already know how I feel about chores and the like. He has a hard time focusing on a project at hand, never finishes anything he has started and I am convinced does not know how to tell time at all. Let me give you a peek into my Asperger's controlled life..
A typical Saturday consists of trying to plan a day out with the family. No matter what we do or where we go, it is the same routine. Basically he has to get himself ready. Period. End of story. Just take a shower, get dressed and be on his way. But each and every Saturday it's like a surprise to him that he needs to put his shoes on to leave the house. He is shocked every time I ask him if there's enough gas in the MINI VAN (Ahhh...the mini van...another gripe of mine, but that's for another post) and while Megan and I are ready to walk out the door, there is with a face filled with shaving cream or running around trying to find his wallet that I ALWAYS put in the same place for him. It's frustrating and overwhelming and for 10 years, it has been the SAME ROUTINE. This past Saturday I took a new approach. I put my daughter in the car and I left. We only got around the block when my cell phone rang. "Where are you?" "Why did you leave?" Ummm..REALLY?? I thought this would teach him a lesson. But when I drove back around to get him, he was sweeping. SWEEPING! I drive myself insane trying to understand the mechanics of his brain when he doesn't even want an official diagnosis. Even my 5 year old asks him why he "can't focus."
It's been a LONG, HARD road for us. I try to understand what it's like for him but no one tries to understand what it's like for ME. So last semester I took a class called, Communication Through New Media. We had to create a project using an internet media tool to get our point across. So I created a facebook page for the SPOUSES of people who suffer from Asperger's Syndrome. Because, WHAT ABOUT US?? And surprisingly, it took off. I'd like to share it here because something that I thought was so rare, apparently is not rare at all. My entire purpose of this blog and my Asperger's fb page is to try to connect to at least one person. Someone who is going through the same difficulties but either can't or won't voice them. It took me a long time to understand the fact that I too am human. And now that I am at this point, admitting where I am unhappy or where I feel like I have failed myself in life, I hope I can touch other people's lives as well, in some way.
If you want, take a look at my fb page. You don't have to "like," you can just look around.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Support-for-Spouses-of-People-with-Aspergers-Syndrome/176713169059829?sk=info
AND HOW IT CONTROLS MY LIFE
So, in my very first blog post on here, I touched on the fact that my husband had Asperger's syndrome. For those who don't know what it is, it is a high functioning form of autism. While he hasn't been "officially" diagnosed with it, I have read and researched enough to know that this is the reason he is SO difficult and why so much of my life is controlled by his idiosyncrasies. Ok, for all us women out there we can say that all of our husband's suffer from being odd, annoying and down right confusing sometimes but my husband takes it a bit further. Don't get me wrong, he holds a job and works very hard for his family but that's as far as it goes. If he is focused on his job, then he loses focus at home. So me, being the infamous stay at home mother, needs to take care of every other task in life. And we already know how I feel about chores and the like. He has a hard time focusing on a project at hand, never finishes anything he has started and I am convinced does not know how to tell time at all. Let me give you a peek into my Asperger's controlled life..
A typical Saturday consists of trying to plan a day out with the family. No matter what we do or where we go, it is the same routine. Basically he has to get himself ready. Period. End of story. Just take a shower, get dressed and be on his way. But each and every Saturday it's like a surprise to him that he needs to put his shoes on to leave the house. He is shocked every time I ask him if there's enough gas in the MINI VAN (Ahhh...the mini van...another gripe of mine, but that's for another post) and while Megan and I are ready to walk out the door, there is with a face filled with shaving cream or running around trying to find his wallet that I ALWAYS put in the same place for him. It's frustrating and overwhelming and for 10 years, it has been the SAME ROUTINE. This past Saturday I took a new approach. I put my daughter in the car and I left. We only got around the block when my cell phone rang. "Where are you?" "Why did you leave?" Ummm..REALLY?? I thought this would teach him a lesson. But when I drove back around to get him, he was sweeping. SWEEPING! I drive myself insane trying to understand the mechanics of his brain when he doesn't even want an official diagnosis. Even my 5 year old asks him why he "can't focus."
It's been a LONG, HARD road for us. I try to understand what it's like for him but no one tries to understand what it's like for ME. So last semester I took a class called, Communication Through New Media. We had to create a project using an internet media tool to get our point across. So I created a facebook page for the SPOUSES of people who suffer from Asperger's Syndrome. Because, WHAT ABOUT US?? And surprisingly, it took off. I'd like to share it here because something that I thought was so rare, apparently is not rare at all. My entire purpose of this blog and my Asperger's fb page is to try to connect to at least one person. Someone who is going through the same difficulties but either can't or won't voice them. It took me a long time to understand the fact that I too am human. And now that I am at this point, admitting where I am unhappy or where I feel like I have failed myself in life, I hope I can touch other people's lives as well, in some way.
If you want, take a look at my fb page. You don't have to "like," you can just look around.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Support-for-Spouses-of-People-with-Aspergers-Syndrome/176713169059829?sk=info
Friday, June 1, 2012
FIRE AND ICE
FIRE AND ICE
I remember always being called a "tomboy" when I was a kid. Instead of playing dress up with the other girls, I'd sit down on the concrete, in amongst all the boys and trade GI Joes. Yes, I said, trade GI Joes. I LOVED it. I remember when garbage pail kids cards were the rave. The girls grew out of the fad quickly, but me? I had EVERY SINGLE ONE and used to torment the boys when I wouldn't trade with them. I always prayed that when I had a little girl, she would be like me. And I can proudly say, SHE IS! She is my fire and ice. Recently we enrolled her in soccer. She runs her butt off around that field, never stops to ask for water and she kicks her little heart out even though she doesn't know which goal is hers half the time. She comes home a sweaty, dirty, banged up mess and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But what's funny is, one day after that, she turns into a graceful, beautiful, elegant ballerina. She loves ballet and tap and has caught the fever to be on a stage. I took dance lessons for almost 20 years. I became an assistant teacher and then a teacher. It was (and still secretly is) my passion in life. Knowing that my little girl has now discovered the love for dance that I have is a feeling that cannot be described. In my heart and soul I know that my girl has what I can only describe as "fire and ice." And I couldn't be more proud.
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