HOW IS IT THAT YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOR 3 MONTHS?

An aching in my heart and soul that just doesn't go away....

     So, tomorrow, June 12th 2012, it will be 3 months since my Dad has left this Earth. Leaving my heart, soul and entire family in a state of hurt, anger, depression and a general feeling of just being LOST..I realize that it has not gotten any easier. If anything, it has gotten that much harder. You would think that at 36 years of age, I wouldn't feel like a child anymore. Most times, I don't. I am an adult. I have my own family. I have my own set of responsibilities. I have a life that I need to run on my own. But when it came to saying goodbye to MY DADDY, I reverted back into that 5 year old who would beg my Dad to make me english muffin pizzas and teach me about horse racing.

 

     My Dad was sick for over 15 years. Emphysema. One lung. All due to smoking. He struggled for years just to walk a few feet. He would tell me it felt as if he was drowning each and every day. But he held on. He had always been THE STRONGEST man I have ever known. He had always been MY HERO. So when I got the phone call that he was being admitted into the hospital this past March, I thought nothing of it. Ok, it's a setback. He'd get some oxygen treatments, some iv medication and he would be back at home with his cable tv, his coffee and his precious cat. But, that's not the way things worked out this time. One day he was in the ER demanding that I sign him out of the hospital (old time, Irish, retired  NYPD detective = STUBBORN) and the next he was hooked up to machines and taking his last breaths. As we stood around him as the priest gave him his last rights I remember thinking, this isn't happening. Not to my Dad. There's no way this can be real. But it was real. He was dieing and there was NOTHING anyone could do about it. Even me, who had been his "little girl," his best friend in his later years, his first born. I stood there. Helpless and even though surrounded by my family, all alone. I tried to be brave. I talked to him for hours, held his hand, told him to let go. Now I had to convince MYSELF to let go. 3 months later, and I still haven't. I don't think I EVER will. 

     His death sent me into a tail spin. I had this overwhelming feeling over LIFE IS TOO SHORT! I started to analyze every aspect of my life and vow to make changes NOW instead of waiting for later. I cried for weeks. I couldn't stop. Until ANGER set in. And I don't mean feeling a little mad at certain points of the day. I mean an anger that I can't describe. And apparently this is where I have been stuck. In the anger stage of the grieving process. Just today on the radio, they were playing a commercial for Father's Day. I CURSED at the radio..and slammed it off. I realized that I was a little over the top afterwards..but I can't help it. The pain is nothing that I can describe. I try to find peace in the fact that he's not suffering anymore. My friend keeps saying the same line to me over and over. "He's in a better place now. He's in a better place than the rest of us." I get that. But is it THAT selfish of me to want him back here with us? If so, then so be it. It's how I feel...

3 months ago tomorrow my life changed forever. A piece of my heart and soul died with my Dad that day. A piece that I know I will never get back. I'd do anything to go back in time. Maybe cherish the little moments more. Tell him that I loved him more. Make sure he knew that he was the first man I had ever loved. My 5 year old daughter says, "Grum (that's what she calling him, short for Grumpy) can hear you Mommy. Just talk to him. He knows." How is it that my 5 year old can make sense of this and I can't? 

Sometimes life is a circus, and sometimes it's complete pain. Right now, for me, it's a pain I wouldn't want to wish on anyone. But it's something that is making me who I am. It's a part of me now. I have to learn to live with it and move on..I know my Dad would have wanted that........